Send in the Clowns!

You motherfuckers be crazy! This has been the greatest Republicunt primary that I have ever seen! The candidates have proven to me that not only do assholes grow on trees, but that they usually are cared for by illegal aliens before being thrown into the bushel basket known as the Republican party.

Still, the primary is hard to ignore. Epic in its scope an audacious in its execution. The Republi-contenstants, because this is obviously a fucking game, all embody specific  characteristics that can be explained using certain “types” of clowns. Since, I’m not interested in sitting in front of a cancer-emitting LCD screen for your enjoyment, I will only focus on the three front runners.

Ron “Pauly Balls” Paul



Type of Clown: Auguste


Auguste is often an anarchist, a joker, or a fool. In Ronny’s embodiment, he is all three. While most of his followers, I like to call them Paulsies, follow him because of his unbelievably fucking awesome stance of wanted to legalize every drug, yes even crack, they usually ignore his absolute stupidity about getting rid of medicare, social security, public schools, laws about segregation, corporate laws, and a whole host of other crazy shit. His awesomeness on drugs and war only makes his other stances that more fucking insane. At least granny will have all the drugs that she wants when she gets broomstick fucked out of her medicare.


Rick “Sloppy Seconds” Santorum 





Type of Clown: The Harlequin

Besides for being known for wearing the gayest fucking costume of all of the clowns, Harelquin is a instigating asshole that likes to hit people with sticks. Often, Santorum can be heard hitting the gays with his own rhetorical “sticks.” Of course, it’s hard to ignore his attacks when the Harlequin’s stick was generally seen as a phallic. So, in essence Santorum likes hitting them gays with his penis. Notable Headlines include: Santorum Surges From Behind. Santorum says, “You can’t keep him down!” Santorum Takes on NH with his own backdoor politics.


Mitt “Ram it Hard” Romney







Type of Clown: The Tramp

Now I know what most of you are going to say. “How can you call Romney ‘The Tramp’? The guy’s richer than god’s semen!!!” Well, it’s not about what Mitt is but how he presents himself. Remember the Tramp doesn’t work. Think of back a couple of months ago where Mitt claimed that “I’m also unemployed.”  He’s just stating a fact. He hasn’t worked for years. And why the fuck should he? He’s getting pensions from Bain Capitol, that are likely in the tens of millions per year. Also, the Tramp is a Migrant and never settles in any place for too long. He owns three homes where the total worth is about $20 million, but choses to live in his son’s “unfinished basement.”Of course, he probably does this because his other homes are such shitholes.



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