Trying to stay on top of politics lately has been akin to sitting down in front of a nice chocolate chip cookie and finding out that it’s fucking oatmeal raisin. Leaving me frustrated and angry and too busy pulling out my toenails with a pair of rusty pliers to type on this bloggy thingy.
Debt ceiling fight followed by yet another Dow dump followed by Republican Debates followed by Rick “Fairy Power” Perry inserting his bulbous Texas cock into the Republican Primaries in the same way that Georgey Porgey Bushy inserted himself into the middle east. Let’s do a quick recap…
Debt Ceiling debate had all of the markings of great drama. A seemingly invincable force (The Republicans) being fended off by our plucky hero (Prez Obama) The almost certain destruction of the ENTIRE FUCKING WORLD hung in the balance which brought with it fear coupled with a morbid curiosity that pushed most of us to think, “Fuck it! Do it! Let’s ride this coaster straight to hell!” The ending needed work. Rather than a riotous victory where we could stand proud while our enemies crawled back into the crevices from whence they came, we were instead left with a “The End?” An ending that only Flash Gordon was able to pull off with its nearly infinite layers of irony.
With its feelings hurt over the fact that they were being ignored on Prom Night, the Dow decided to drop its trousers and let loose a big steamy pile on the rest of the economy. Whining about uncertainty, it would probably be a good idea not to tell them that uncertainty is the very principle from which the stock market works. If there was certainty, then nobody would sell stocks that would rise in price the following week or buy stocks that were going to tank 24 hours later. Creating a market paradox where, not unlike a time paradox, may have you end up sleeping with your own great great grandmother.
Utterly bored out their minds, and angry that the stock markets were getting all of the attention, S&P downgraded the US credit rating in essence telling the world that our bonds are shit. Completely missing the point, the rest of the world decided to buy nothing but US stocks nearly every day since. Then again, S&P’s rating is usually worth about as much as what my dog pushes out of his colon on his morning walks. You might be able to warm your hands on it on a frigid day, but, when it’s all said and done, it’s really just a pile of shit.
REPUBLICAN MASS DEBATES:
Super quick recap.
Huntsman: I know nobody knows who I am but…
(Huntsman is interrupted by Michelle Bachmann with something dripping off of her chin. And, as a result of heretofore being known only as ‘that guy that Bachman interrupted with spunk on her chin,’ Huntsman evaporates into complete obscurity)
Bachmann: Sorry I’m late! My husband said I couldn’t leave until I was finished cleaning the floors with my knees.
Santorum: I hope you didn’t leave any Santorum behind. (laughs to himself)
Bachman: Go fuck yourself you sick fucking dickbag!
(Santorum melts into a brown frothy ooze that is quickly lapped up by the Fox News hosts. When the Fox News Hosts are done lapping up santorum, they begin asking questions.)
Bret Baier: So, Mr. Cain. I think I speak for all of the Republican party when I say that I am concerned over your blackness. I think it would be important to ask, how black are you?
Cain: I understand your concern. Some may say that “I didn’t choose to be black,” but that’s not true. I did choose to be black. I chose to be so black that people couldn’t mistake me for Hispanic. I chose to be blackity black because I wanted people to know that, just because the Republican party hates black people, doesn’t mean that you cant be a black Republican. And that says something, doesn’t it?
Baier: Yes sir. It speaks volumes.
(Mitt Romney frantically interrupts)
Romney: I’ve only got a few minutes as the front-runner until Perry announces his campaign and I accidentally pull a Huntsmen
(Perry’s spirit lowers itself down on the stage in a whirlwind of Texas sand and broken dreams. Romney evaporates into obscurity leaving behind only his hair)
Perry’s Spirit: My soul darkens this place with evil majesty. Pay me tribute, and I will not destroy you.
(Ron Paul says the only sensible and well thought out thing of the night but is quickly swallowed by a giant snake that erases memories)
Pawlenty: Fuck this! I’m outta here. (He throws the finger over his shoulder as he storms off the stage)