Republicans work political theater emblematic of carefully articulated expositions of Sophoclean tragedy. Oedipus was tragic because he had inadvertently killed his father and dipped his dick in his mother.
But it was also damn funny!
I mean, who didn’t have a bit of a chuckle when the realization hit Oedipus that the same place he had spent so much time trying to get into was the same place that he spent nine months trying to get out of. And, in the comedic sense that only the Greeks could’ve brought us, I give you Herman Cain.
I didn’t think that it was possible to reach higher than the precipice that was Newt “I divorced my wife as she was coming out of cancer surgery while calling Clinton a philandering scumbag” Gingrich. But, holy fuck was I wrong! Comparing Cain to Gingrich is akin to comparing Foie Gras to a McRib.
Cain has successfully made the last two thousand years of advancement in civilization completely irrelevant because he has shown us that no matter how far society reaches, it’s advancements will never outshine the biggest scumbags that inhabit it.
Example of Scumbaggery # 1: He published a book called “This is Herman Cain!: My Journey To The White House”
A title like this takes balls. First, he hasn’t even made it past the primary and he’s already selling a book that ends with him proclaiming that he is the president of the United States. It would be the equivalent of me writing a book titled: “The name’s Knox Motherfucker!: My Journey Into the Porno Industry” Sure, it’s a dream we all have, but we all know it’ll never happen.
Example of Fuckstickery #2: He claims that he’s a “leader and not a reader.” What the fuck! You wrote a fucking book, and you’re claiming you’re not a reader. Are you trying to not get high on your own supply? Or, is it that you just know how shitty your book is, so you wouldn’t even waste your time?
Example of Shitheaddery #3: After getting called out by several women about sexual harrassment suits, another woman comes out claiming a relationship that lasted 13 years. So when a news station texted a number on her phone that she claimed belonged to Cain, guess who called back. Herman “Stick it to ya” Cain!
He probably thought she was going to try that trick with her mouth again.