Send in the Clowns!

You motherfuckers be crazy! This has been the greatest Republicunt primary that I have ever seen! The candidates have proven to me that not only do assholes grow on trees, but that they usually are cared for by illegal aliens before being thrown into the bushel basket known as the Republican party.

Still, the primary is hard to ignore. Epic in its scope an audacious in its execution. The Republi-contenstants, because this is obviously a fucking game, all embody specific  characteristics that can be explained using certain “types” of clowns. Since, I’m not interested in sitting in front of a cancer-emitting LCD screen for your enjoyment, I will only focus on the three front runners.

Ron “Pauly Balls” Paul

 

 

Type of Clown: Auguste

 

Auguste is often an anarchist, a joker, or a fool. In Ronny’s embodiment, he is all three. While most of his followers, I like to call them Paulsies, follow him because of his unbelievably fucking awesome stance of wanted to legalize every drug, yes even crack, they usually ignore his absolute stupidity about getting rid of medicare, social security, public schools, laws about segregation, corporate laws, and a whole host of other crazy shit. His awesomeness on drugs and war only makes his other stances that more fucking insane. At least granny will have all the drugs that she wants when she gets broomstick fucked out of her medicare.

 

Rick “Sloppy Seconds” Santorum 

 

 

 

 

Type of Clown: The Harlequin

Besides for being known for wearing the gayest fucking costume of all of the clowns, Harelquin is a instigating asshole that likes to hit people with sticks. Often, Santorum can be heard hitting the gays with his own rhetorical “sticks.” Of course, it’s hard to ignore his attacks when the Harlequin’s stick was generally seen as a phallic. So, in essence Santorum likes hitting them gays with his penis. Notable Headlines include: Santorum Surges From Behind. Santorum says, “You can’t keep him down!” Santorum Takes on NH with his own backdoor politics.

 

Mitt “Ram it Hard” Romney

 

 

 

 

 

 

Type of Clown: The Tramp

Now I know what most of you are going to say. “How can you call Romney ‘The Tramp’? The guy’s richer than god’s semen!!!” Well, it’s not about what Mitt is but how he presents himself. Remember the Tramp doesn’t work. Think of back a couple of months ago where Mitt claimed that “I’m also unemployed.”  He’s just stating a fact. He hasn’t worked for years. And why the fuck should he? He’s getting pensions from Bain Capitol, that are likely in the tens of millions per year. Also, the Tramp is a Migrant and never settles in any place for too long. He owns three homes where the total worth is about $20 million, but choses to live in his son’s “unfinished basement.”Of course, he probably does this because his other homes are such shitholes.

 

Sexy Political Mix

Republicans work political theater emblematic of carefully articulated expositions of Sophoclean tragedy. Oedipus was tragic because he had inadvertently killed his father and dipped his dick in his mother.

But it was also damn funny!

I mean, who didn’t have a bit of a chuckle when the realization hit Oedipus that the same place he had spent so much time trying to get into was the same place that he spent nine months trying to get out of. And, in the comedic sense that only the Greeks could’ve brought us, I give you Herman Cain.

I didn’t think that it was possible to reach higher than the precipice that was Newt “I divorced my wife as she was coming out of cancer surgery while calling Clinton a philandering scumbag” Gingrich. But, holy fuck was I wrong! Comparing Cain to Gingrich is akin to comparing Foie Gras to a McRib.

Cain has successfully made the last two thousand years of advancement in civilization completely irrelevant because he has shown us that no matter how far society reaches, it’s advancements will never outshine the biggest scumbags that inhabit it.

Example of Scumbaggery # 1: He published a book called “This is Herman Cain!: My Journey To The White House”

A title like this takes balls. First, he hasn’t even made it past the primary and he’s already selling a book that ends with him proclaiming that he is the president of the United States. It would be the equivalent of me writing a book titled: “The name’s Knox Motherfucker!: My Journey Into the Porno Industry” Sure, it’s a dream we all have, but we all know it’ll never happen.

Example of Fuckstickery #2: He claims that he’s a “leader and not a reader.” What the fuck! You wrote a fucking book, and you’re claiming you’re not a reader. Are you trying to not get high on your own supply? Or, is it that you just know how shitty your book is, so you wouldn’t even waste your time?

Example of Shitheaddery #3: After getting called out by several women about sexual harrassment suits, another woman comes out claiming a relationship that lasted 13 years. So when a news station texted a number on her phone that she claimed belonged to Cain, guess who called back. Herman “Stick it to ya” Cain!

He probably thought she was going to try that trick with her mouth again.

Only you can make Newt look good

 

You decide your level of involvement!

Which Way to sanity?

Some of you may be wondering what I’ve been up to. Well, I suggest that you guys go look up some porn or something. Your day will be better spent and you can relieve some frustration that way.

In between news of Christie Chris endorsing Spitting Mitt Romney…

Visual approximation

…And Herman “Twist of” Cain saying that his 9-9-9 plan was endorsed by “some guy in Oklahoma, so it must be good”…

Who got jungle fever?

…I have been thrust into the world of politics.

And this is where you come in. You see, I can’t leave well enough alone and have decided to chronicle my political exploits in true Political Spaghetti fashion. Names will be changed, but, while I’ll still crack a joke here and there, everything you read will be the absolute truth about my political rise and likely destruction.

For the next year, things will be changing here at Political Spaghetti, but, as always, alcohol and insanity will always prevail.

Enjoy the ride!

Occupation!

Have you’ve been pulling  your pud, complaining about how shitty things are while waiting for a revolution? Well, here it is.

Now get off your ass and grab a sign.

See you there….

Republicocksuckers, Rejoice! (The Most Xrated Yet!)

Oh Yeah! She's gonna take the whole thing!

Even though Shelly Bacharachman doesn’t have a cock, she’s got a mighty strap-on that she’s got all oiled up and prepped for penetration. Although it might not be her 9″ veiny dong that will be the penetrating, all of the Republicocksuckers are lowered down on their haunches waiting for the USA to look its way so that they can bury their Johnson’s deep into some throats.

The way it looks now, the one to do the actually penetrating is gonna be Merry Dick Perry. To explain the metaphor, we call the corporations “Perry’s dirty cock” while we call cutting the size of government “lubing it up.” So, when you hear, “I want to give power to the corporations” You should be understanding it as, “Rick’s been slammin’ ExTenze for a month straight and Perry’s Dirty Cock is going to stretch that mouth-hole tonight!”

Rick's not gonna let Bachmann beat him in anything!

But Fairy Ricky Paris would argue, “you should be glad that I’m just going to pry this greasy thing in-between your teeth and gums. I could put it somewhere else.” The ‘somewhere else’ argument is really the ‘I can completely take away your medicare and social security argument.’ Instead of fucking everyone up the ass, metaphorically of course, by taking away medicare and social security, instead they’re turning it into a hearty mouthful of a voucher system, guaranteed to gag.

Oh, yeah. Don't be afraid! Get that thing nice and wet!

Since we will be too busy trying to swallow the corporate semen, we wont be able to voice our protests in anything other than monosyllabic grunts and vowels. Which is fine for them. Because while we are too busy gulping that down, they’re prepping their shafts for one last slamba jamba. And I think we all know where that one’s gonna go!

Don't forget to cup the ballz!

Some may ask, “why would the Republicocksuckers want to shove corporate cocks down our throats?” Well, the answers are obvious. First, as I pointed out in a previous article, they get paid a fuckload of money to do it from guys with the last name Cock! Second, they would love to throat that cock themselves. All Republicocksuckers want, more than anything,  is to get their throats pounded by that corporate cock so hard that they get phone calls from the producers of Gag Factor.

It's family fun!

But, alas, their conservative views don’t allow for homosexuality or even heterosexual promiscuity, leaving them with their withered flaccid genitalia lying in their hands like an old sock. So, they have to turn to other methods of getting themselves off, and that includes living vicariously through the Middle Class. By continuing to force the Middle Class swallow the ejaculate of the engorged member that is the corporations, they are in turn living out their own cock sucking fantasies. Some may think that calling them Republicocksuckers is an insult, indeed, it is a call for their freedom. A freedom to be who they really are. So, join me, and show respect for all of your conservative friends and call them what they wish to be;  “Republicocksuckers.” And Republicocksuckers, rejoice and be proud of who you really are.  As Marie Antoinette would say, “Let them suck cock!”

"Am I doin' it right?"

Oh, Georgy. Don’t worry. One day you’ll learn how to be a real Republicocksucker.

Morocons, Imbeciliberals, and Stupdependents

Imbecile Liberal: I voted for Obama, but I don’t think he’s done enough.

Moron Conservative: What! You’re out of your mind! He’s destroying our country! He’s turning us into Socialists!

Imeciliberal: What’s Socialism?

 

Morocon: It’s the same thing as Communism!

Imbeciliberal: The same thing the Russians used to have?

Morocon: Is there any other kind?

Imbeciliberal: But he didn’t give us single-payer healthcare.

Morocon: (Chewing on his flag for nourishment): You’re not paying attention to nuthin! He’s taxing  the shit out of us and he’s gonna give it to those do nuthins who pay no taxes.

Imbeciliberal: Really? He’s stopped poor people from paying sales taxes, social security taxes, property taxes, and FICA? Well, I’m a tax and spend liberal. And I can’t be a tax and spend liberal if there aren’t any taxes!

Morocon: Not only that, but more. He’s changed more shit in our government in one year than any other president has in four.

Imbeciliberal: Shit, you’re right! He’s changed everything!  We have to stop him before he destroys this country.

Stupid shit Independent: Hey guys what’s going on?

Imbeciliberal: C’mon, we gotta stop Obama!

Stupashitindependants: Great! Can we stop for ice cream?